


Je Vous Aimerai

by SeaWraith46



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-10
Updated: 2015-08-10
Packaged: 2018-04-13 21:50:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4538706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeaWraith46/pseuds/SeaWraith46
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been over a year since Cosima died. Delphine hasn't seen any of the other clones in just as long but, one day when she visits Cosima's grave, she finds an unexpected visitor: Sarah.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Je Vous Aimerai

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a tumblr post by [crazyintheeast](http://crazyintheeast.tumblr.com/):
> 
> But what if Season 3 starts One Year Later
> 
> and the first scene we get is Helena's body being dissected by military scientist. And then if this punch to the heart wasn't enough it's quickly followed by Sarah and Delphine standing above Cosima's grave and swapping tearful stories. And the entire season is just one horrible back and forth between the tragic present and glimpses of the last year where we get to see the slow painful deaths of Helena and Cosima.

Delphine turned carefully into the parking lot, mindful of the thin layer of snow that had started to gather on the pavement. The painted lines of the parking spaces were almost entirely obscured by the flurries that had come and gone throughout the night and she worried for half a second about not being able to park properly inside a space before shaking her head. It was 10am on a cold, snowy December morning and there was only one other car in the lot—most people were either still sleeping or curled up at home with a cup of hot chocolate, not visiting a cemetery. But she was here, just like she was every Saturday.

The familiar twinge of oncoming tears burned at the corners of her eyes and Delphine dropped her head forward, resting her cheek on top of the steering wheel, her face scrunching as she tried to force down her tears. It still hurt, coming here. It still hurt so much, even though she'd come here so many times she'd lost count.

No. That was a lie. Delphine swallowed a bitter chuckle as the first tear worked its way from underneath her tightly shut eyes. She knew exactly how many times she'd been here. She knew exactly how much time had passed—she could count the months, days, probably even hours, since Cosima had died.

But she tried not to count the number of times she had cried herself to sleep, the number of times she had managed to swallow food even though her throat felt like it was lined with sand paper, the number of times she had finished a bottle of wine alone. Because measuring it like that, in the infinite number of ways the world had somehow seemed to keep moving after Cosima had died, measuring it in the raw data of life spent without Cosima by her side, made her grief so heavy that she could hardly breathe.

Delphine sat back abruptly in her seat, rubbing the tears from her cheeks as several blonde curls fell across her face. She swiped a hand across her forehead, pushing the locks back into her mess of hair, and tried to distract herself by watching the snowflakes that landed softly on the windshield. The sudden urge to smash her fists against the steering wheel and let the car horn give voice to her grief roiled in her chest but she took several slow, deep breaths, forcing the feeling down. She couldn't that. Not again. Because after the noise stopped, after the blaring of the horn and the screech of her cries died away, she would still be there, alone and without her, and the silence would hurt all the more because the futility of her grief would be confirmed.

Delphine bit down hard on her lower lip as the tears built up again, roughly pulling on her gloves and shoving her way out of the car. She made her way to the path into the cemetery, her fists clenched tightly, the thin material of her gloves the only that keeping her fingernails from biting viciously into her palms. Her feet fell into step on the familiar path to Cosima's grave and she kept her eyes glued to the ground, directing all of her concentration toward keeping her mind blank. The fluffy snow beneath her feet swirled at each of her steps and she tried to focus on their looping paths, so much so that she almost missed the other pair of feet standing in her usual spot. She started violently, looking up to see the back of a woman with thick dark brown hair, her weight balanced on one hip, wearing torn jeans and a ratty canvas coat, standing in front of Cosima's tombstone.

"Sarah?" Delphine managed to choke out around her surprise.

Sarah's back went rigid at the sound of Delphine's voice, her hair whipping through the air as she spun around. Her eyes narrowed, her face shifting rapidly through a complicated series of emotions, from intense loathing to seething rage to hopeless sadness before collapsing into a neutral numbness. She turned back to Cosima's grave without a word.

Delphine stood frozen for a moment, heart pounding, as she stared at Sarah's back. She felt like she should leave, but she knew she couldn't, not when this was the first time she had seen one of Cosima's sisters in over a year.

Taking a deep breath, Delphine inched diagonally forward until she was even with Sarah, careful to leave two or three feet of space between them. She stood facing the tombstone, trying to sneak glimpses of the woman from the corner of her eye. Sarah had her hands shoved deep into her pockets, her shoulders hunched, and her hair obscuring her face. If she noticed Delphine watching her, she gave no indication of it.

Turning her head to look at directly at Sarah, Delphine opened her mouth and inhaled as if to speak, but was suddenly at a loss for words. For several moments, the only thing between them were the puffs of condensation they released with each breath.

Delphine chewed on her lower lip, still watching Sarah closely, but the woman once again gave no further acknowledgement of her presence. With a sigh, Delphine took a pack of cigarettes from her pocket, pulled one out, and lit it, her hands fumbling slightly from both her nervousness and the cold. She took several deep drags, watching as the smoke she exhaled wove lazily through the falling snowflakes. After a second of hesitation, she stepped over to Sarah and extended her arm to offer the cigarette.

It took several seconds for Sarah to notice the proffered cigarette. She gave Delphine a bemused look, but eventually shrugged and took it from her.

A small, relieved smile twitched across Delphine's face and Sarah rolled her eyes. Delphine's smile faded somewhat and she looked down at her hands, watching as she flipped the lid of her cigarette pack open and closed with her thumb. "I know it might not mean anything but…I hope you know that I am…I am sorry."

Sarah's jaw tightened, then released as she blew out a stream of smoke. "I know, Delphine."

Delphine watched Sarah take another drag, noticing that the woman's hands were bare and her shoulders were shaking slightly under the thin fabric of her jacket. "Sarah, you must be cold. I think I have an extra pair of gloves and a hat in my car if you want them."

Sarah waved her off, sending a thin stream of smoke wafting through the air between them. "Nah, I'm fine." Her arm extended further, offering the cigarette.

Delphine plucked it from Sarah's hand with exaggerated caution, taking care to touch the other woman's hand as little as possible, and earned a short bark of a laugh from Sarah.

"I'm not going to bite, yeah?" Sarah's lips twisted into a smirk that didn't quite reach her eyes.

Delphine shook her head slightly as she brought the cigarette to her lips. "I-I am sorry, it is just…I thought you would still be mad at me."

"I was. And I might still be. But hating you won't bring her back." Sarah's gaze flitted to Cosima's tombstone, her voice dropping to a whisper. "It won't bring any of them back."

"Je suis désolée, Sarah," Delphine said quietly. She tapped lightly on the cigarette and they both watched as the ashes fell to the ground, almost looking like snowflakes. "Can I…can I ask what happened to the others? After I got back from Frankfurt, I wanted to help but I knew you were mad at me so I thought it best to keep my distance. Perhaps I should not have." She glanced toward Sarah and tried to place a hand on her shoulder, but Sarah intercepted her and took the cigarette from her hand instead.

"I am sorry, I hope I am not—"

Sarah bristled, a thick stream of smoke and condensation bursting from her nose as she exhaled heavily. She took one final drag from the cigarette before dropping the stub to the ground and grinding it into the snowy grass with her boot. "Stop saying you're sorry. I know you're sorry but no matter how many times you say it, it's not going to change anything. All it's going to do is make me want to punch you in the head."

Delphine laughed softly, giving Sarah warm smile. "It's nice to see that all of this has not changed you too much."

Sarah snorted and shook her head. "I wouldn't say that."

"What do you mean?"

"I ran away." Sarah shoved her hands into her pockets, kicking at the small smudge of ash she had created.

"I…I don't understand," Delphine said, giving Sarah a quizzical look.

Tilting her head back, Sarah stared up into the sky, trying to blink back her tears. "I couldn't handle it, so I just gave up. I left."

Delphine frowned and reached into her pocket for another cigarette, lit it, and immediately passed it to Sarah. "What happened?"

Laughing hoarsely, Sarah took the cigarette and pressed the heels of her hands against her eyes. "Shite, where do I even start with this mess. Cos died and it all fell apart. Alison stopped talking to us, Helena disappeared, Felix left..." Her hands fell to her sides and she dropped her head against her chest, watching the smoke from the cigarette curl up her arm.

"Alison, well she…" Sarah closed her eyes as she took a long drag. "She wasn't doing very well after Beth died. She was good at hiding it but I think she was only barely keeping it together. So when Cosima died…losing another one of us was too much for her. She started drinking again, taking pills."

"Is she all right now?"

Sarah shrugged and flicked the half-smoked cigarette out of her hand, aiming carefully to make sure it didn't land too close to any of the surrounding tombstones. "I have no idea. All I know is what Donnie told us when he came to Felix's loft a couple weeks after Cosima died. He yelled at Felix and me for pushing Alison back into her old habits. He said they were moving away so she could get well and stay well this time."

"Do you know where they went?"

"No. Donnie didn't want us to know." Suddenly, Sarah turned to look at Delphine, her lip curling into a sneer and anger sparking in her eyes. "But you don't really have to ask me that, do you? You were a monitor and you're still working for Dyad, aren't you? Can't you just ask them where she is? I'm sure they have Alison's new address by now. And they probably know what happened to the rest of us, so why are you bloody asking me?"

"I do not have access to that kind of information," Delphine said evenly, keeping steady eye contact with the other woman. "And even if I did, I would never get information on any of you like that."

Sarah's fists clenched, then gradually released, her gaze shifting from Delphine to Cosima's tombstone. "I'm going to try to believe that you mean that. I still don't trust you, but I know you wouldn't stand over Cos's grave and lie to me."

Delphine nodded, her voice thick in her throat as she said, "I would not lie even if we were not here."

Sarah watched her for a few more seconds and then nodded, turning away to poke at the ashy spot on the ground with the toe of her boot.

"What about the others? What happened to Helena and Felix?"

"Helena disappeared right after you left. I have no idea where she is but…I think she might be dead. I have no way of knowing for sure but it just…feels like she is." Sarah reached up to raise the collar of her jacket and Delphine wasn't sure if it was to shield her face from the wind or to hide the tears that were moving slowly down her face.

"And Felix?" Delphine asked softly, suppressing the urge to reach out and comfort the other woman.

"He's gone. It was hard for him, too, with everything going to hell. He could tell that I was about to leave, so he left first. He said he was tired of picking up after me and that he was going to find Tony."

"Tony?"

"Another clone, a trans man. You never met him."

Delphine swallowed and licked her lips, but forced herself to ask her next question. "And what about…Kira?"

Sarah stiffened. "She's…with Mrs. S."

"Have you seen her yet?"

"No. I just got back in town this morning. But I won't. I can't."

"What do you mean? I'm sure she would love to see you."

"She wouldn't."

"I do not un—"

"Back off, Delphine, yeah?" Sarah shouted, her voice ringing through the empty cemetery. "I left. I abandoned her in the middle of the night, just like I've already done so many times before, even after I promised her I would never do it again. I told myself I was leaving to look for Helena, but I was really just running away. Kira will never forgive me for that."

"I am sure she would."

"Maybe. But I can't ask her to."

"Sarah, you can't just—"

"Drop it, Delphine. Just drop it."

Delphine snapped her mouth shut and said nothing, reaching into her pocket for her cigarette pack. She slid two of them out of the package, sticking one in her mouth and holding the other out to Sarah.

"Will you quit it with the bloody cigarettes?" Sarah yelled, she roughly knocking the offering out of Delphine's hand. The cigarette flew through the air and landed several inches in front of Cosima's tombstone but Sarah was too busy glaring at Delphine to notice. She was breathing heavily now, her jaw clenched and her hands in shaking fists by her sides.

Unconsciously, Delphine took half a step backwards, only to have Sarah stride over to her to all but scream into her face, "It's not like you have any idea what you're talking about, anyway. You weren't even here for any of it. You weren't here for Alison's break down, for Felix leaving, for Helena disappearing. You weren't even here when Cos died," Sarah spat, causing Delphine to inhale sharply. Sarah gritted her teeth, her voice growing hard and low. "You could've saved her. But instead you stayed in Frankfurt. You ran away, too."

It took all of Delphine's willpower to not look down at her trembling hands but she could do nothing about the tears flowing down her cheeks. "You are right,"she whispered, her voice catching in her throat. "I should have come back sooner."

"She needed you, Delphine. We were all there and Cos was thankful for it but she wanted you. She wanted you here so desperately. But you fucking stayed in bloody Frankfurt. If you had been here, you could have saved her. And at the very least, you could have been here when she died."

Delphine shook her head, swiping roughly at the tears on her cheeks. "I would not have been able to save her. But that is a moot point, because you are right—I should have been here, by her side, not in Frankfurt."

A burst of icy wind blew through the cemetery, forcing Delphine to close her eyes against the sting of the snow that whipped against her face. When she opened them a few seconds later, Sarah was still standing in front of her, but now her shoulders were slumped and her hands had found their way back into her pockets.

"Yeah, you should have been here," Sarah mumbled as she backed away. She turned to the tombstone, catching sight of the cigarette she had thrown in front of it, and her face crumpled. Inhaling shakily, she bent down to gently scoop it out of the snow, looking shocked and ashamed, as if she couldn't believe she had allowed herself to let it get anywhere near Cosima's grave. She brushed the snow from her hand and stared down at the cigarette, wet and limp from the frosty ground, sitting in her open palm.

Eventually, Sarah stood and offered Delphine the soggy, now-useless cigarette without looking at her. Delphine had half-extended her arm to take it when Sarah seemed to suddenly realize what she was doing and snapped her hand back, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I…uh, sorry," Sarah murmured.

Delphine only nodded in response.

Sarah shuffled from one foot to the other with a pained expression on her face, twirling the destroyed cigarette with her twitching fingers. "You…you said that you couldn't have saved Cos?

Sighing, Delphine reached up to run her fingers through her hair. "No. I could not have. Even with Helena's embryos and the information from Ethan Duncan's journal, it still took Scott and me four months to create a cure. Cosima died two weeks after I left. It would have made little difference whether or not I was in Frankfurt. In terms of the cure, I mean," she finished softly.

"What about if another clone gets it, like Alison or Tony, or some clone I haven't met yet?"

"We will be able to cure them. Dyad is actually set to transport half a dozen clones from around the world to our facilities in the next few weeks for treatment." Delphine shook her head and smiled down at Cosima's grave. "I have met some of them through video calls and…it is astounding. Besides your physical appearances, none of you are at all alike. Cosima would have loved meeting them all."

A small grin broke out on Sarah's chapped lips. "Yeah. Cosima would've enjoyed that. She would've gone on and on about 'nature versus nurture' and all that."

Delphine laughed. "Yes, exactly."

Sarah sniffled and wiped her nose on the sleeve of her coat. "I think Cos would've liked that. That you're still helping her siblings."

"Yes, I think so, too."

"So I guess you didn't really run away, did you? You came back and you're still trying to help. Not like me. I just ran." Sarah looked at Delphine, the expression on her face making it seem like she couldn't decide if she wanted to start weeping or punch the nearest tombstone.

Delphine stepped quickly towards Sarah and grasped her hand in both of hers. "You came back, too, Sarah," she said, softly but firmly. "You are here now and you can still help. And you are not alone. Please do not forget that."

Sarah's expression softened and she nodded, squeezing Delphine's hand slightly. "I-I should go," she said, and Delphine released her hand. "But I'll see you around, yeah?"

"A bientôt, Sarah." Delphine smiled as Sarah turned and walked toward the parking lot. She turned back to Cosima's grave, listening to Sarah's footsteps crunching on the frosty grass, the opening and closing of her car door, the squeak of the car's tires as it eased across the snow and out of the lot.

When it was finally quiet, Delphine knelt down in front of Cosima's tombstone, reaching out to gently lay her hand on the corner of the granite. "Je t'aime, Cosima," she whispered. "Et je vous aimerai toujours, toi et tous tes frères et tes soeurs."

She brought her hand to her mouth and kissed the tips of her fingers before running them lightly across the engraved letters of Cosima's name. Tears gathered at the corners of her eyes, but this time, they hurt a little less.

**Author's Note:**

> For anyone too lazy to look up the French translations (I haven't studied French in a while, so if any of it is incorrect, please let me know):
> 
> 'Je suis désolée'- I'm sorry
> 
> 'A bientôt' - See you later
> 
> 'Je t'aime, Cosima. Et je vous aimerai toujours, toi et tous tes frères et tes soeurs.' - I love you, Cosima. And I will always love you, you and all your brothers and sisters.


End file.
